The Wand

A complete and unabridged
Tale from the Olde Tsaeler, CEO
Albatross Soup Co.

A summary, from a 1995 Nightmare

Part 1 (one):

Once upon a time there were people in the part of Quebec previously known as Lower Canada that were very unhappy with big Canada. Some of them agreed they would be better off out of Canada, and could do as they damned well pleased, and particularly with certain Hydro resources which they administered in trust since 1912.

They decided to separate and to make it legal in their own minds. so they held referendums about separating. There were dire predictions about starving habitants, should they leave the fold. They were reassured by the separatist figureheads that all they needed was faith in their future and to vote yes to a question they did not understand, in fact nobody was very clear on what the question really meant including the framers (I know how to spell farmers).

After decades of separatism:

To the surprise and chagrin of nearly everyone including the Arch Separatists; les 'abitants finally voted to get out of Canada, live the dream and have their own country complete with their own money which in the beginning was not worth much. At first they called it the Brine but later changed it to the Frank in honour of a magazine that was critical of Federal Politicians. They were warned by an early leader a Monsieur Parazoo; times would be tough for a few years and times were tough for a few years. Gradually they made progress and the frank rose to be worth several dollars, or a couple of Deusies if you will (A Deuxie if you prefer, was worth two loonies on a good day).

The economy was based on an ocean going tanker monopoly that shipped fresh water to Europe. While this was happening, Canada or what was left of it was in a steady financial decline. But les 'abitants spoke kindly of the despised anglophone majority that was unwilling to embrace their culture, which was mostly language. And the damn English found out about poverty in places like Rosedale, Rockliffe, Vancouver Quadra. Most of the rest of country already knew.

No one had expected this to happen and there was a lot of speculation about it. Without disclosing the source, the explanation was discovered. The President of Renewed France a successor to Monsieur Parazoo had a magic wand.

Unfortunately he had to keep waving it to maintain the economy. There was speculation about when or if he slept. Well after a few years, prosperity not withstanding (the old not withstanding was a bit of a joke) he became very tired with the constant wand waving. The best brains in their narrow strip of land along the St Laurence River, were called in to seek a solution so the leader could get better rest. By this time both his arms were quite muscular. It was discovered that he had got the magic wand through a deal with a dissident Cree Shaman (the source cannot be disclosed).

The Wand Part 2.

A bunch of engineers were sent off to Bern Switzerland to study the Clock Tower They concluded that a mechanical wand waver was not a practical solution despite it's potential as a tourist attraction. In the meantime the seventh Parazoo (now the official title of the president, who had no state duties) was getting very touchy. Mr. Blowhard The Prime Minister would have nothing to do with the wand and Par7 was trapped. Finally an electronic control system was proposed. Unfortunately the engineers that had not already retired to Florida were unable to design the system. They even brought in an apprentice of the famous French roof designer. A French roof is not like a French letter or as the French prefer to say, an English Cape, which the Big Oval does not 'ave.

Faced with the Pa7's diminishing composure and his reluctance to trust anyone willing, with the wand, a decision was made to hire an outlander electronics consultant. He turned out to be a blingel from Ontario, but was cleared by security. So that he could design an appropriate electronic wand waving system. It was necessary for him to examine the wand and he covertly met with a descendent of the dissident Shaman. Well finally the system was ready to go. It had been run for several weeks with a cattail stalk from the swamp and was pronounced ready for the wand.

The President, Mr. P7 (covertly of course) exchanged the cattail stalk and the wand. Then for some unknown reason ran off screaming "free at last" en francaise of course. He is now living in Florida under an assumed name because there are a lot of formerly rich formerly French Canadians down there as well as the more recent emigrants from New and Improved France. The Name New France did not cut it anymore and Renewed France did not translate well; not as bad as hens milk, but you get the idea.

The End of the Wand

Well with the old and practiced magic wand waver gone; The P having run off, and the wand waved by a non sentient unsympathetic electronic system (designed by a Mr. Harse an engineer from the University of Common Scents in Ontario); you should be able to figure out what happened. At this time the Prime Minister of the old Canada was still at the Mayo Clinic (where Mayonnaise was discovered) being treated for tendonitis brought on by shoulder shrugging. The Cree Shaman was last seen in Nepal where he was being treated by a Natural Law Flying Yoga commuting from Orleans Ontario; who was trying to cure his laughing episodes. A consortium of international financiers advised by a Mr. Strong were bidding against a First Nations group to buy the mortgage on New and Improved France.

The next nightmare starts in 12 hours. Fais dodo. ?

Updated with minor changes January, 2000 again 01 April 2012

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